Sweet Insanity Tastes Like Rubber
by Return Of The South
Summary: My return to the FanFic world begins with this story that I wrote while in a sugarbeer rush. Crazy? Yes. Educational? No way. Plot? Maybe later.
1. It begins

Robin, Cyborg and Raven are sitting in the Main Room watching the monitor of a computer, conveniently searching info on Slade, Bad guys and massive quantities of porn. They like them some o' de naughty-naughty.

"Say, chums for life, what do you believe would happen if we searched for our names on the good ol' safe internet, where we could never be exploited and ruined. Surely no one would shame us like a bunch of spastic whores?" said Robin as he laughed insanely. He really doesn't have any control, does he?

"Why, I would assume nothing of the sort, friendly pal with pointy hair." said Cyborg.

"Let's see what sort of goodness people have written about us!" suggested Raven.

They agreed and came to a site call Fan Friction (I cleverly disguised that shit. It's like a totally different website! Sarcasm is overrated.)

"Hmmmm, look at this! There's a writer called Saint Q." said Robin. (DISGUISED!)

Three minutes later….

All three titans stare in silence at the horrific display of sex, violence and drugs.

"….I have naughty ideas." muttered Robin.

"Yeah….what do you suppose he meant by me taking a banana and #!(ing myself with a &# in the 7&?"

"Don't be silly Cy, you don't have an at-symbol, seven, and symbol. That was lost with your body." laughed Robin.

Cy got pissed and went all Transformers on Robin's pasty, white, I-wanna-juice-box ass.

He turned both his arms into a set of nun-chucks….but had no arms to wield them so he merely headbutted his comrade. Blunt, shiny heads hurt like toast on fire. That has been proven.

"So what now?" asked Raven, trembling with excitement. Again, spastasticness prevails through rational thought! Take that Wisconsin! Shove that cheese up your ass!

"We need to call all titans…I have an idea…" said Robin, as he smirked evilly and stroked a fat white cat with his clawed hand.

**I have returned. Rejoice…or wither in despair. Either way, live with it. I, in the meantime, must fight off a hangover. **

**Fortune's for Reviews, I LOVE Reviews!**


	2. I need sugar badly

The Titans were assembled In The Hall Of Supreme Assemblies Of A Secret Nature. Also known as ITHOSAOASN. Kinda sounds sexy.

"Now, my stooges prepare for the mind-blowing, spleen punching, bowl-crushing intellect of…Dr. Weird!" yelled Robin. The titans cheered. Someone hurled a frilly, pink panty. It suspiciously originated from the area around Cyborg.

"Gentlemen…" started Dr. Weird as he stood behind a podium. "I have successfully replaced my ASS with a MONKEY HEAD!"

He turned around to show a monkey head where his ass was.

"GIVE ME A BANANA!" screeched the Monkey Head.

----------

Meanwhile, At the Fortress of Doom, conveniently stationed in the middle of a shit-filled swamp. There, the greatest Evil-Doers were assembled.

"Why did we make our capitol in a shitty swamp?" Gizmo lashed out. He punched the round table which the villains were stationed around.

"Do you know how much a house costs nowadays!" Slade snapped at the midget.

"Yeah, you can thank ya Prez fo' dat, me ducky!" said Mad Mod who pointed to Bush who was at the table.

"3 more years! 3 more years!" cheered bush as he held up a beanie baby that resembled a gay donkey with a festive hat.

"Terms are four years, you freakin' idiot. And you've already served your max total of years." hissed Vinegar Man. His powers MUFFINS! Evil pastry strikes again!

Bush stared blankly at him then resumed stroking his Beanie Baby, very affectionately. Have you ever notice that George Bush looks kind of like a smurf that lost its blueness?

Anyway, Slade slammed on the table from where he sat at the head of the table.

"People! Focus, dammit! I didn't pay Travelocity fifty billion dollars to have you morons shipped here so I could listen to your worthless babbling! And damn you, Roaming Gnome! You're prices are **_not_** competitive! Not at all!" yelled Slade as he jabbed a finger at a clay figure that smiled greedily.

Bastard gnomes…You can't trust them….not even with a bulldozer

The gnome cackled and bumped fists with Burger King. They controlled the Industry of evil. Plane rides suck chocolate salty balls.

"Energizer Bunny, do you have anything to report?" asked Slade.

The Energizer Bunny merely bammed on his drum and walked away.

"Don't you walk away from me, bee-yatch!" yelled Slade. He grabbed a javelin and hurled it at the drum, popping it.

Gas poured out of the ruined drum and knocked out everybody but Bush and the Bunny.

….

"Wanna do it?" asked Bush.

The bunny then exploded, saying 'no way in hell' with its body language.

"Damn." muttered Bush. He wandered off into the sunset and eventually found happiness in Arizona with a cactus he affectionately dubbed Charlie the Mouse.

Meanwhile, in Massachusetts…

Cold and depressing…

In Jump City…

"Titans, Go!" yelled BB. Robin bitch-slapped him with a passion…a passion of the Christ.

"That's my line, motherf$$$er." he claimed like a douche.

"Oh, right. So what are we doing again?" asked BB, recovering from a bitch-slap that would've made Mr. T proud.

"We are doing what Dr. Weird has instructed…we are gathering the profits! AND I SWEAR BY ALL THAT IS SPANDEX, I SHALL NEVER GIVE UP!" yelled Robin.

**Five minutes later**

Robin is sitting on the couch, sipping Coke. No, not the drug, the legal stuff. Beast Boy walks up to him.

"Hey Robin, aren't you supposed to be looking for those profits?" he asked.

"Listen, little green man, I have a lot of work right now and I can't be bothered by prophets. We have a stable income as is. Now, if you'll excuse me, Dr. Phil is going to perform an exorcism on a teenage girl."

On TV: "May the powers of Christ compel you! May the powers of Christ compel you! May the powers of Oprah compel you-Err, I mean Jesus."

…Nothing happens.

He looks around. No one is there because his show blows it so hard, it makes the News seem uplifting.

…He starts to take off her the clothes. A ticking noise starts. Phil looks down and sees that the girl is actually a bomb disguised as a girl by Martha Stewart. Dr. Phil was about to become a victim of the Oprah-Martha Stewart gang war. A gang war that would kill millions of innocents but would create countless bunches of baked goods.

Back to reality:

"Whoa! This is cool!" yelled Robin.

"Robin, why are you such a useless prick?" asked Starfire, suddenly appearing with a beer-holding-hat with a mustard instead of beer.

"I'm not useless! I can do this!" he said as he did the Crane Stance from The Karate Kid 3 and made karate sounds.

"Have you been getting into the mushrooms of magic?" asked Starfire.

"Yush!" yelled Robin. He took off his mask and revealed trippy, multicolored eyes.

"It's been a while since I've had some of that…gimme some o' dat shit, boyee!" cheered BB. Robin grabbed his stash, ran over to the corner and hissed at them as he protected his precious stash.

A reasonable thing to do.

BB sighs. He rolls up a piece of paper and starts whacking Robin with it.

"Bad Robin! Bad Robin! Share your drugs!"

Suddenly, the doors swoosh open and Aqualad comes running in but he trips and runs right into the window, falling out of the building. He'll be okay as long as he doesn't hit those rocks.

While Robin was distracted, BB and Star grabbed a handful of mushrooms each and…. 'Opened their mind'.

All the Titans walked in.

"Robin, we're here-" started Kid Flash. He and the others stopped when they saw their stoned comrades.

"Aw, good! It's captain Kanga-fricken'-roo and the potato patch kids. Just what I need on a Sunday." stated Starfire as she stumbled over to the confused Titans.

"It's Thursday, Star." said Speedy.

"That's what your mom said last night! BURNED! Hahahahaha!" laughed BB as he rocked back and forth.

"Oh, snap!" exclaimed Cyborg.

"You' mama, You' mama, You' mama, You' mama, You' mama, You' mama, You' mama…" BB repeated. Eventually, Speedy's head burst into flames.

"INCERATION! YOU ARE THE INSULT MASTER!" Bellowed Robin.

Then, a mighty plot-hole came, drugged all the Titans, started playing Pantera and ended this chapter.

REVIEW


	3. I was grown up on black diamonds poop

Chapter 3: What the hell is going on?

Slade separated from the rest of the group and went out on his own. He was doing his usual twisted, evil activities (shop-lifting, fraud, flipping off random children, vomiting on nuns, setting couches on fire, you know, the bad-ass stuff.) When he noticed something, IT WAS THE CHEAT!

"OMG!" screamed Slade like an excited, 13-year-old girl. He ran over to The Cheat and started squealing till he wet himself. Using the power of calamine lotion, his pants instantly dried. Take that Sears and all your fancy crap! Betcha can't do that! The Cheat looked at the orgasmic man that stood before him.

"What in StrongMad's name is wrong with you?" said The Cheat in fluent cheat-talk.

"Quick, give me some cheat-cakes! Don't make me have to use this." threatened Slade holding up a bottle opener.

The Cheat gave a low whistle and Strong Mad came and beat the crap out of Slade, and then beat it back in, and then out once again.

"Holy crap! That guy just got served! _Mad served!_" said Strong Bad

"I know! Can you believe it?" said Homestar.

6 hours later, Slade woke up in a pool of, er…well… truthfully it was a lot of stuff so we'll just say "fluids"….. Yeah… fluidy and shit like that.

"Ugh," Slade groaned "Wait a sec…." just then it came to him.

"Lassie!" said Slade!

It was Lassie. She lifted up her leg and peed on him.

"Great. Now I smell like Bobby Jackson. Hey where are the Titans?"

So Slade set out on a great quest to the giant T. He stopped only once for gas.

"$3 per gallon! What a rip-off! Oh well…………….. I'll leave a little 'gift' behind for them."

As Slade drove off, a worker picked up the package.

"Hey, boss. It looks like some guy left a gift for us!"

"What is it?"

"A blender!"

"Is it a nice blender?"

"…………… not really."

"CURSES!"

Slade drove on laughing till he thought of something.

"Wait….. When did I get a car?"

Suddenly, the car disappeared.

"Damn."

So Slade walked the rest of the way. In the rain. With people laughing at him. While carrying a large cross and wearing a crown of thorns. He recognized Jinx in the crowd. She was crying.

"Don't be sad, child. Soon, We will be together again."

"Wait a sec. You're not Jesus." And with that, she walked away.

"…Fuck."

When he got there he found something he thought he would never see: a woman's bra.

So he continued walking down the hall till he came to the main room. This was a difficult task because the building was all f&cked up. That's why you only see the halls, characters rooms and the main room.

And the training room but Starbucks bought that out and turned it into another damn Starbucks. It's an invasion!

Slade then found the Titans in the main room, stoned like a bunch of hippies.

"Hey it's Santa Clause!" said Beast Boy

"Erm, I think I'll leave." said Slade.

"Wait Santa! I've been GOOOOOD!" yelled Robin. "Throw the net!"

Starfire threw a napkin at Slade. It fluttered harmlessly to the ground….THE EXPLODED! Hurling Slade out of the side of the building!

"Bye, Mom! Yeah-I'm the basketball." said BB.

"Dude, have you ever looked at your hand? It's huge!" said Cyborg

So, still high, the Titans wondered outside. Once outside, Beast Boy got a vision.

The clouds parted and Jesus (Not God, Just his son) looked out and down upon him.

"Beast Boy….. Beast Boy……….. Simba, I mean, Beast boy. It is time………. gather the followers….take them to the promised land…….one sec." God gargled some mouthwash.

"That's better, now I can talk faster. Anyway, yeah, the Promised Land kicks Ass. And it's not the first one, deep in Asia. That one was a mistake. It's in Mobile, Alabama."

"Will honey and milk flow?" asked Beast Boy. The others just stared up at Jesus.

"No, it's more like crack and beer and maybe a few pretzels………. and some tacos. And Hookers will greet you."

"wOOt. What do I do?

"Wait. Soon a man named….. (Checks the few reviewers)…… RaidersRule76…..will lead you. According to the sacred scriptures and this segment in Peoples Magazine he kicks ass. Also, we do owe him for putting TheAlabamaKid into Pre-Teen Titans Go!"

"OK! I'm gonna go crazy with my friends and conquer the people of Uranus."

Cyborg snickered "Uranus… it sounds like urine." (COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED!)

"You realize no one will believe us, right?" said Raven, amazingly thinking rationally.

Suddenly, everything turns black and white and the guy from 'The Twilight Zone' appears. "4 teenage kids and a dishwasher, all incredibly stoned. How can they consume so many drugs and not die within seconds? Because, the writer is retarded,"

Me: YOU BACKSTABBING BASTARD!

"Also, he is one with………… the 'Twilight Zone'. And the south."

"Dude, that guy turned everything black and white and now he's taking up all the camera view!" yelled Beast Boy.

"I think that's Sean Connery." said Cyborg

"Or George Clooney." said Robin

"Are those two men Presidents?" asked Starfire.

"Well, from what my sources tell me, one owns Alaska and i/3 of Venezuela and the other is part of an underground revolution of really small carrots and squash." said Raven matter-of-factly. She's messing me up, I tell ya.

While they were talking, Robin had super-glued the 'Twilight Zone' guy to the side the tower.

"Robin, where did you get that much super glue?"

"From your arse, baby!"

"But, Robin, the only thing that comes out of there is-"

"Woah now, kids. We're trying to keep this at PG13." said Jesus, appearing in human once again.

"We're sorry." they all said in unison.

"Good now if you'll excuse me, I have to kill Mel Gibson from taking the spotlight off me and onto him when he made that damn 'Passion of the Christ'." said Jesus as he walked away.

"Hey Jesus!" called BB "Where were you for 2005 years?" he asked.

Jesus stared at Beast Boy. Beast Boy stared at Jesus. The others stared at Jesus and Beast Boy, except for Cyborg who was staring at his hand and murmuring how big it was. My friend is staring at porn. My other friend is staring at a blender as it makes his smoothie. A squirrel stares affectionately at his nuts. No, not those nuts, pervert, the other ones.

"Look behind you, its Jark the world's greatest alien who deserves to be put back onto Deviantart. I should know I'm Jesus!" said…….. If you just read that and you don't know who said it then please put a helmet on and stay away from society.

So everyone looked and Jesus got away but not before kicking Robin in the balls for stealing the spotlight in all those episodes that were supposed to be for Raven.

Punishment for stealing spotlight: A swift Kick in the balls--Death

"Damn, the Trix Rabbit got away with our cereal!" said Starfire, oblivious to Robin rolling around crying on the floor.

"Don't worry. If we find him, we'll kill him. Nobody steals my cereal, especially some damn cartoon character." said BB

"Yeah, cartoons suck." said Cyborg.

Everybody stopped and stared into space and Robin slowly lifted himself from the ground.

"So you guys want to go into town?" asked Raven.

They all agreed and left.

"Hello? Could somebody get me down? I wanna be part of this party!" cried the Twilight Zone Guy. A rabid pack of wolves slowly approached.

"Heh-Heh, shit."

Slade, meanwhile, was tearing ass to get away from there. He had hijacked the T-car and painted flames on the side and a plastered a sign on that said 'Kiss my ass because it tastes like candy.' He's a pimping pedophile. Fo shizzy

A cop car came behind him and he swore as he pulled over.

"What's the hurry, ma'am? Some one having a baby?" said Master Shake, dressed as a police officer.

"Eh, no. You see-I really didn't think I was going to fast."

"Yeah, you were going sixty…"

"…"

"…In a twenty mph zone. Also, you passed two red lights."

"Now, they were yellow when I passed them…"

"Uh-huh, yeah…they were red. Like your ass is gonna be when I'm done with you. Please step out of the car and allow my partner to give you a quick sobriety test."

"Partner?" asked Slade as he stepped out of his car.

"Respect my athour-i-tay!" yelled Cartman as he whacked the villain on the shins with his nightstick.

"Ow! God dammit!"

Suddenly, Chuck Norris appeared and beat Cartman and Master Shake unconscious with a rod made of solid meat. Turkey meat, you perverted mo-fo's.

"Get in! The game has started!" the karate master yelled as he threw Slade into the back of his car.

"Where are we going?" asked the bewildered Slade. He was so scared he had wet himself but it magically disappeared thanks to Snuggles The Bear.

"The Secret Place…in Iowa!"

**Tune in next chapter and see what happens when some of the bad guys and girls see the Titans high and some decide to get high as well.**

BLOOPERS!

"And according to this segment in Peoples magazine, he kicks ass."

The people's magazine falls out of Jesus' grip revealing that it had been covering a Play Boy magazine. God was stunned and embarrassed.

"Well, what do you expect? There are no hookers up here!"

Only 1 Blooper per chapter, folks. Review if you want more. If you're an angry mob, please have mercy.


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